Facebook Gayness!

So facebook has this new application where you list 25 things about yourself.. It is really really gay, so naturally I jumped right in.

25 things aboooot Brit!



1. For the longest time I thought girls urinated out of their butts. Why else would they sit down on the toilet to pee?

2. I grew up next to a cow farm in the country. Right next to where I waited for the bus, there was a pen where they put the mommy cows to breed with the daddy cows. So, while waiting for the bus I observed them getting it on doggy style…As a result, I call it "cowy style." Girls don’t like it when you request it by calling it "cowy style" for some reason. Go figure.

3. When I make Hamburger Helper, I call it Herberger Helper. I think this is pretty creative.

4. I went to high school in the hood, and that is why I am so gangster yo.

5. In 3rd grade I got a C on a math test. My mom made me see the school counselor about it. The counselor tried to convince me about the importance of math. I told her it didn’t matter cause I was going to be a professional basketball and baseball player. She told me I needed math to keep score and stuff. She was right. I never became a professional basketball and baseball player. I think it was because of my math skills.

6. I took my nephew to McDonalds on my day off last week. It went well. I ate his entire Happy Meal, and he shit his Spiderman undies while playing in the fun park. I love being an uncle.

7. I have terrubal gramer and spelling a often leave out when I am righting sentences. But I am a well righter...I also love using more then one period……

8. In 8th grade, I made 49/50 free throws and came in second place in a free throw contest. No big deal.

9. In 5th grade, I played the principal of my school in 1 on 1 basketball in front of the entire school. He won. He was also black.

10. I am pretty sure I am going to win the $145mil Mega Millions lottery tonight.

11. I dated the first girl with boobs in 6th grade. I was pretty happy about that. But I dumped her before the big school dance, 'cause I didn’t know how to dance. I still don’t know how to dance, but I still like boobs.

12. I think people who choose boneless wings over regular wings are gay.

13. I was born on Friday the 13th.

14. I like people with funny accents.

15. I like to put mayo on my french fries, but I am concerned about how this makes me look in the eyes of others.

16. I am probably the best hockey player who has ever lived, but I don’t know how to ice skate, so the world will never know this.

17. On numerous occasions I have put the cereal box in the fridge and the milk in the the pantry at my parents house. I was a pothead, and my mom knows it.

18. My mom still takes me pants shopping. She makes me walk out of the changing room and show her that they fit, and I am okay with that.

19. In 5th grade, my best friend and J.R. and I got home from school and I had lost my key and we were locked out. We proceeded to kick down the door. Once inside we put our book bags on the table, and went back OUTSIDE to play basketball. My parents were not impressed with our decision making process.

20. The first week of college, I projectile vomited off my loft. The next morning I woke up, and the vomit had knocked the picture of my high school girlfriend on the floor and was now broken. I broke up with her that morning.

21. I have terrible eyesight. If aliens ever invaded and blew up all the contact stores, I would not be able to function in this world long. I refuse to wear my glasses in public.

22. I am tall.

23. I have to recite the entire alphabet everytime I am putting something in alphabetical order.

24. I have a napkin disorder. I always need to have an abundance of napkins when I am eating.

25. I was a flower delivery boy in college. I got to drive a mini-van around campus all day. It was the greatest job ever. I may or may not have been high while doing this job.

Oh hey...Been a little while since I last posted anything. I had this little thing called a job and social life getting in my way, and didn't have time to blog. Well, that actually isn't true at all. Basically, I got lazy and couldn't come up with any good topics to write about. Pretty sure I still don't have any good ideas…Pretty sure I never really had any good ideas to write about, but I somehow was able to crank out a few mildly humorous blogs. For awhile there the blog actually had a few readers, so we're going to try and get back into it.

AIGHT POTHEADS… I'm calling you out…. Not you college kids, you guys are fine, keep ripping your bongs...I'm talking about people who are out of college, living in the REAL WORLD, and still smoke pot every day.

Now this blog is going to offend some of my dear friends, but they are potheads so they will probably forget about it this by next weekend.

"What did Brit say that pissed me off again??? Something about…something about…Hey man, you trying to go play some Frisbee Golf?"

So I'm not too worried about it......

How the fuck do you people function in society if you are getting high all the time?

"Aw man, Snoop Dogg gets high and he is rich and shit…The black comedian guy, Dave Chappelle gets high..."

They sure do bro, they get high, they get real high, but the difference is they are getting high while sitting on a mountain of money w/out a care in the world. You are getting high on an old couch that use to be in your parent's basement, that they gave to you just so you would move out, watching your Visio flat screen that you are 3 months behind making payments on, with a coffee table covered in empty Doritos bags, Starburst wrappers, and Bud Light cans. Don't get me wrong, I used to get high all the freaking time. In college I lived with the biggest stoners to roam the earth, and used to smoke all freaking day, but that is different. In college all you have to worry about is how much weed you have left, how you are going to orchestrate a trade to get Randy Moss on the Redskins and go undefeated and take down the Super Bowl in Madden, the excuse you are going to use to email you professor on why you won't be in class today and why your paper is 3 days late, and at what time you are going to start drinking before you go out to the bars. Life was good. Not a significant worry in the world. Not anymore my friends. Now you have bills to pay, work to go to, and real relationship stuff going on. That shit ain't easy…These days, I need to be 100% carefree if I am going to smoke pot/ I need to be really really DRUNK! Or else I freak the fuck out! I get paranoid as shit. A couple months back, I got a little high, the next thing I know I was cleaning my entire house! Real annoying. When I wasn't cleaning, I was doing push ups. Not enjoyable at all. I used to be able to get high on the couch, and watch out and hours of re-runs of "The Cosby Show." Not anymore.

The point is I can't get high anymore! I got too much shit I have to do these days, and if I was high all the time, NOTHING WOULD GET DONE! So you fuckers still smoking weed everyday, need to stop! It isn't fair to the rest of us who are trying to function in the world. If everyone was getting high all the time society would fail...

No one would ever remember to put out their trash on trash day.

The only conversation people would have is about how pot should be legalized and how "Pineapple Express" is the greatest movie ever. NO IT SHOULDN'T BE LEGAL, CAUSE IT WOULD JUST CAUSE YOU TO SAY MORE RIDICULOUSLY WRONG SHIT LIKE "PINEAPPLE EXPRESS" IS THE GREATEST MOVIE EVER.

Goddamn hippies would feel free to leave their dive bars and their micro brews and hang out with normal people…LEAVE US ALONE HIPPIES! I'll spray Bud Light on you!

"Aqua Teen Hunger Force" will move to prime-time television. THAT SHOW SUCKS! It is a talking French Fry box! Grow up people!

You won't be able to go to the grocery store! It will be full of potheads wandering around drinking various flavors of SOBE, trying to remember what they came to the grocery store to get in the first place. Inevitably they will load up on Doritos and mini-donuts, and forget the deodorant they originally went to the store to get. Creating more smelly HIPPIES! GODDAMN HIPPIES

Tennis courts will get old and decrepit, baseball fields and golf courses will get overgrown, bowling alleys would close, while potheads get their physical activity from the comfort of their living room playing Wii.

Barack Obama would just chill on the back porch of the White House smoking blunts with his homies from Southeast DC shootin' dice, dranking Fowties, and slapping HOS...and there will be no CHANGE!

Basically, nothing would ever happen on time. Eveyone would forget to do shit all day, and nothing would ever get accomplished. Maybe I'm just bitter that I can't smoke pot any more, but it's not like potheads are doing anything great with their lives…it's not like you can be a pothead and win 8 gold medals or something.

Oh wait…

Well Done Michael Phelps..... Well done!!!

Happy Birthday..... ME!

November 13, 1981. The date of my birth/the day I was surgically/forcifully removed from the womb. As a rather large/extremely cool fetus, I was not rewarded for my 9 month stay in my mother birthing sac with a fun slide down the good old fallopian tube. Enough with my moms reproductive system… Let's move on to more important things… .ME

During my life I have accomplished a lot of things: 3rd Grade Student of the Year, 1996 Free Throw runner up for the state of VA, 2008 Summer Adult Men's League BBall Champions, Greatest beer pong play in the world… etc. etc.

But believe it or not, there is still a lot of shit I would like to accomplish. There was a lame movie that came out about a year ago called "Bucket List" starring Morgan Freeman and Jack Nicklaus… or is it Jack Nickleson.. FUCK, I always get the golfer and the movie star mixed up. Just one of those things that flip flop in your brain I guess. Sorry I digress. Anyway, the point is, I'm sure that movie was ridiculously terrible, and there is no chance I would ever go and see it. No wait.. that wasn't the point. FACK.. The point is… despite living a very fulfilling/ somewhat mediocre first 27 years on this planet, there are still several things I would like to accomplish. Ya that's it.

Brit's Bucket List

1. Elect a black president…. What's that you say? That already happened? HAHAHAHAHA.. Eat it Republicans. Go cry to Bill O'Reilly about the downfall of America! Meanwhile, I'm going to go spend my tax break on some fresh $200 Air Jordans and some rims for my whip.. HOLLA!

2. Two Chicks 1 Brit.

3. Win a couch off with Kevs Manvis. During Christmas break of my frosh year of college, my ginger friend Kevs and I journeyed to Ocean City to find a place to rent on the beach that summer. After looking at a couple places we decided to see who could drink the most beers in our hotel room. We were tied at 18, when Kevs refused to get me another beer (his bed was right next to the mini fridge). Since he was too lazy to get me another beer, and I refused to get one out of stubborness, he declared himself the winner even though we both drank the same amount. To this day the contest is still under protest, and I am still extremely bitter about it…. Basically Kevs is the laziest person ever, and I would like to take this title from him. AND to do this I will need to defeat him in a couch off. 1st person off the couch loses…. And we never did end up living at the beach that summer, mainly because I was a huge pot head at the time, and spent the entire second semester ripping the bong, and could never get my plans situated. FUCKING POT.

4. Go on Deal or No Deal and be an asshole. I hate Deal or No Deal sooo much. It is a random guessing game.. No skill involved. Not only that, they get such chirpy, type A personalities on it… Not me.. I would be like. "I don't care Howie. Just pick a number for me. It is all random anyway… And spare me the fake calls to the mystery dude. Just take the average amount of $ left in the boxes and make me an offer.. If it behooves me to take the Deal, I will take it, if not we can continue with your stupid guessing game. Also, tell the people in the audience to chill. This doesn't concern them"

5. Play bball in a WNBA game. I really think I am better than those amazon women, and I would love to prove it. Also, it would be my in to reproducing a rather tall, Baseketball super child. They would think I was some sort of butch lesbian, and therefore have sex with me!

6. Become rich. Move somewhere nice. Leave all my friends, and make way cooler/richer friends. Hang out on my yacht and talk about how lame my old friends were with my new friends….. AND chuckle to myself.

7. Turn down a FREE around the world trip because I want to sit on my couch. "Meh.. sounds like a hassle.. lotta of flights, dirty toilets, and bad food… What time is the game? [rolls over on couch] Wake me up when it comes on… Have a fun your trip"

8. Beat a guy up who is wearing an Affliction shirt. OH.. so you think your are tough cause you are wearing a $90 dollar t-shirt with graphics that look like you have tattoos. You wanna mix martial arts me, and put me in a guillotine choke hold do ya? Here is 10 bucks that says me and the horsey on my polo can woop your ass… How 'bout a foot to the face? BAM!

9. Go to a Nickelback concert and BOOOOOO really loudly the entire time.

10. Complete a marathon. I really feel running 26.2 miles will be real test of my character. Going through the training, and finishing the race will really be quite an accomplishment. All the pain, suffering, fatigue, mental anguish and being able to overcome it, would be such a thrill… SIIIIIIIIIIIIIKE. No chance I ever run a pointless marathon.


Well that is pretty much all I have left to accomplish. You could probably throw get married and have a family in there somewhere, but I try not to think about stuff like that on my birthday.

Bday Celebration tonight at Baileys during the VT vs. Miami game. Hopefully Sean Glennon won't ruin my birthday/ I'm pretty sure that is exactly what is going to happen.

OBAMA RANT

Finally, the election is over… Now people can go back to hating each other for perfectly good reasons like driving slow in the left lane, taking forever to pull out of parking spots, wearing crocs, eating tofu hot dogs, having bad breath, rocking sweater vests, general douchiness, and other valid reasons other than being liberal versus conservative.

OH WAIT… PEOPLE ARE STILL BITCHING….. The political divide is so great in this country that people can't get over it. All morning I have had to listen to republicans bitch about how shit is going to suck balls now that Obama is president, how taxes are going to skyrocket, how they should quit their job and just collect welfare checks like everyone else, and how they are going to move to Canada.. GOOOOOOOOOD! Fucking leave

A. Your life is not that important.. No one would miss you.

B. Your life isn't going to change much regardless of who was elected. You Suck. You will most likely still suck on Jan 20

C. YOU LIFE ISN'T THAT IMPORTANT. Your terrible job will still be there, your family will probably still hate you, and you will still be a douche once Obama is sworn into office

Now, I understand that there will be some changes with a new regime, with a new philosophy taking over, BUT holy shit people… CHILL THE FUCK OUT. Ever since the repubs realized that Mccain wasn't going to win, they started making all these outlandish accusations against Obama and how shit is going to change for the worse…

"The U.S. is going to become a communist society." No it isn't Rickys. In 3rd grade you learn nothing but long division, and you constantly have a system called "CHECKS AND BALANCES" crammed down your throat. Obama was not elected as Adolf Hitler, the Leader of the 3rd Richt. He was elected as President of the United States of American. Joseph Stalin is not walking through that door on Jan 20th. Chill with your OUTLANDISH claims and pick up a 3rd Grade Government book. The President can't just do whatever he wants. GO SHOOT YOURSELVES.

"His gosh darn name is Baraq Hussain Obama, dat boy is clearly one of them AL KADOS disguised as a black guy from Chicago." Shut the fuck up you hill billy, ignorant fuck. Just cause the man has a diverse/mixed background, and isn't a pure blood imbred from some bodunk town in West Virgina doesn't make him a terrorist. That brings me to another point. If your state is made up of 90% retarded hilly billys your state's votes shouldn't count. Those people vote based on issues like who is going to fix the pot hole in front of Aunt Gertrudes house, and who is going to support them putting larger tires on their pick up trucks. Their votes shouldn't count. Shocker they all vote conservative/republican. "Dat damn Obama boy is trying to take all my guns. Dey took eer guuunz"

"Obama is going to kill all our unborn babies." This is a very touchy subject. BUT I firmly believe if you base who you are going to vote for based on the issue of abortion you should jump off a bridge. Need I remind you that there are two wars going on and an economic crisis? Can our president please focus on those extremely important issues and not what is going on in your girlfriend's vagina?

"Them damn Gays are going to be fucking in our streets." Seriously Rednecks and Christian right…. GOOOOO AWAY! You are intolerant and stupid. If anyone shouldn't be allowed to marry it is YOU. Your marriage is just going to end up on an episode of cops with you beating you wife with your shirt off. Leave the harmless gays alone. At least they have good hygiene and all their teeth.

Maybe I am extremely naive. Maybe this entire time Obama was tricking me into believing he is a good dude with nothing but the best intentions, and he only wanted to be President so he could destroy the U.S., and I should have believed all the outlandish conspiracy theorist. BUT I DOUBT IT.... YOU PEOPLE ARE RETARDED

Back to my original point. Certainly some things will change. BUT chill with you outlandish claims. The U.S. will still be here in 4 years, and if Obama does a terrible job it is your prerogative to vote for a change. Bush was terrible for 8 years, American wised up, and overwhelmingly voted for a change. GET OVER IT. Now you have a choice to either be a dick head, stubborn asshole and constantly bitch and moan about the new President… OR give Obama a chance and maybe some shit will change for the good. I'm guessing you will chose the first option, and in the case you can GO FUCK YOURSELF.

I'm happy that Obama won cause I can now buy this T-Shirt. Clearly the only reason I voted for him is because he likes to play bball.

Also I find it extremely funny that our presidents last name has BAMA in it.

Halloween Blog

Sorry Guys.. No new Halloween blog this year... Here is the one from last year. The Economic crisis has been really tough on the Truth and we haven't had much time to post lately/we have been real lazy. NEW BLOGS AGAIN STARTING NEXT WEEK... STAY TUNED.


In effort to counter act Kil-Silly’s angry, mus rage blogs, I am going to do a PG rated blog about the delightful day of Halloween. Seriously Kil, I’m half expecting your next blog to be a Suicide note. So here we go…

HALLOWEEN BOOOOOOOOOOOO LOG.

Halloween is a great holiday. I mean, any holiday where partying and binge drinking is encouraged is great, but Halloween is exceptional. It is clearly a top 5 holiday.Thanksgiving (food + football = contentness)Christmas (you have to go to church on Xmas, which demotes it to #2)MLK Day (some have accused this blog of being racist, couldn’t be further from the truth…at least in my case.)4th of July (all day drinking fest)Halloween (current blog topic)

Halloween could move up the ranks if it was a ‘day off work’ holiday, but till then it will hold down the number 5 spot.


Brit’s Halloween likes and dislikes

Like: The PUMPKIN
The pumpkin is pretty much a useless fruit/vegetable/orange nature pimple. However, it is the symbol for Halloween, thus making it relevant. The Watermelon is carvable, delicious, and could easily replace the pumpkin, but if you left a watermelon on the porch, this guy (click on WATERMELON MAN) , would show up and eat it. The pumpkin is safe on the porch, no one wants it, no one needs it. Good job Pumpkin!

Dislikes: CANDY CORN
Any food/candy/drink that is only consumed around a certain holiday is bound to be terrible. For example, fruit cake, egg nogg, peeps, those heart candies that say stupid shit on them… all terrible. The candy corn fits this category. However, for some reason, the non traditional candy corn in the shape of a pumpkin is delicious… Go figure.

Like: SLUTY GIRL COSTUMES
Is there some underground society that I am not aware of? Cause I never see sluty police officers, sluty fireman, sluty doctors, sluty tearcher, sluty garbage men, sluty inmates, sluty butchers, sluty astronauts. If this sluty society exist somewhere, can someone please tell me? I would like to go sometime. Seriously, how easy is it for a girl to get a costume? Pick any profession, show some skin and undies, and you have a costume… I would like to challenge someone to be a sluty Grandma... That would be HOT!

Dislike: The Christian Right.
These fockers have been trying to ruin Halloween for me ever since I was a wee little Britley. So around 2nd grade or so our annual Halloween Party was turned into ‘Fall Day’, because celebrating Halloween is ‘devil worshiping’. No more costumes, and haunted houses, and fun shit like that, instead we celebrated leaves. Good thing for me my mom is a MEGA BITCH, and made me dress up in a Halloween costume anyway, just to rub it in those conservative, Christian, Bush voters, faces. Go read the bible, and pedophile some little boys in a pile of leaves…. Damn Christians.

Like: Devil WorshipingI enjoy a good Devil worship every now and then. Besides, the Devil understands me. Not everyone can be perfect, and sometimes I feel like Jesus just asks to much from me. No Sex, No Drugs, No Harassing women, No Porn, No Anal, No being mean to your neighbors. All these things are fun, and life would be boring without them. Go Devil!

Dislike: Doggy CostumesSo last Halloween, I attended Halloween Doggy Trick or Treating in Clarendon with my Sister, her baby and her mutt. Her husband couldn’t go due to work, so being the good Unky Herby that I am, I went along for assistance, and let me tell you… OH MY GAY.
Event Role Call:
FATTY LESBIANS - present
HOMO,GAY DUDE COUPLES – present
WHIPPED HUSBANDS LOOKING MISERABLE – present
SELF RESPECTING HUMAN BEINGS- not here
MONEY BRIT – HERE
Heaven forbid a part of the costume fell off a dog… You have never seen the lesbos move so fast to fix it. Anyway, dogs don’t like being paraded around town looking all gay. My sister has an excuse for her actions, she went to Douchebag University, aka UVA aka UVgAy. The rest of you people out there… please don’t dress up your doggies. This year I am going Doggy Trick or Treating as my boy Mike Vick, doggy rape stand and all.

SO that ends the Halloween BOOOLOG. I tried to limit the vulgarity, and anger in this blog, thus it is not that funny, but it is Friday, I am hungover and my brain isn’t working, so GFY.

Feel free to add comments about what you like or dislike, or/most likely feel free to jone on us.

Seriously...Get THE FUCK Out of the Way!!!

People, (I'm not even going to call you sillies today because YOU are probably the pathetics responsible for my rage)

I will say this once and only once. Unless you are going considerably faster than everyone else, get the FUCK out of the left lane. If you don't instantly know what I'm talking about, YOU are most likely the RICKTARD in my way. The left lane is for passing. If you're not constantly passing people, MOVE. If there's someone behind you that wants to go faster than the speed you're driving, MOVE. And don't give me this "But I'm going 65mph and the speed limit is 55mph. That person shouldn't even be going that fast." FUCK THAT. You are not the general manager of the universe. Stop causing traffic for everyone else and move your ass to the right, Rick.

If you're a chick and you get in the left lane, end all conversations and FOCUS. Put down your Iphone or Ipod or Imakeup and pass the next person and then get the fuck back in the right lane. If you all want to keep the right to vote, learn to drive or else I will take away said right to vote. You may want to stick to riding bikes like these fine ladies.

If you're a rich, white prick and you think because you own a Mercedes, you own the left lane, YOU ARE WRONG AND I WILL STARE YOU DOWN, as I pass you on the right. You suck and your fancy car sucks.

Go ahead and call me racist cause I don't care. Black people and hispaniards are always in the left lane going butt slow. My theory is this: Blacks want to stick it to the man and just don't give a fuck about the common good of society. They don't have to hit the break in the left lane so they can just smoke a blunt and then coast. Well ol Kil-Sil thinks you're all shitheads and you need to move.

Spanics either just don't know how shit works cause they just got here or also don't want to have to hit the break on their way home from a 15 hour work day. They'll just let everyone behind them hit their breaks. Well, I say you should be deported if you're causing traffic in the lefty lane.

Asians. God bless 'em. I know you're focused. You're certainly not talking in the car. You're probably just so fearful to move your car cause you'll know you'll crash that you just post up in the left lane.

If I ever get a bazooka installed on the Elantra like I want, all of you will be in a world of hurt cause I will bazooka joe the shit out of you. MOOOOOVE.

That is all. Stay Herrrting.

Columbus Day

I'm so fucking bitter I am at work today. It is GOD DAMN CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS DAY. Meaning I should be home on my couch falling in and out of naps while watching re-runs of I Love Lucy. What better way to honor him….. Christopher Columbus is a HERO, and I should have the FUCKING GOD DAMN DAY OFF WORK! Without Christopher Columbus, I might not even be here. Who knows if anyone would have ever had the balls to risk sailing off the edge of the earth. I mean there is a chance someone would have eventually discovered the Western Hemisphere, but you don't know that for certain. And what if no one did. We would all be stuck in Europe sipping tea, eating cheese, and playing soccer, and that would be terrible.

I hear people all the time saying Columbus wasn't even that important, he was a slave driver/murderous pirate blah blah blah. Meanwhile, those same people are going about their miserable jobs annoying people on the phone, stuffing envelopes and other miserable tasks. CHRISTOPHER FUCKING COLUMBUS DISCOVERED THIS:

Pretty impressive compared to what you have done today…Show some freaking respect and give me the day off.

When I was a little Britly, elementary schools dedicated 3 months to teach about Columbus.. He was by far the most important man ever.. The order went:

1. Chris Columbus

2. George Washington

3. Jesus

4. McGruff the Crime Dog

5. MLK

Pretty impressive list, and if you are on that list I should have your bday off!

The guy fucking discovered America.. Sure he gave diseased blankets to Indians, banged Pocahontas, and brutally beat the Indians into submission… BUT who hasn't done that? It's your average Tuesday for me….

These days, the god damn hippie school teachers have the nerve to not give Columbus his due PROPS. Get fucked hippies! Maybe he wasn't the nicest of chums, but who was in those days. The women were plump, they didn't have TV, and there was no air conditioning. I would be a fucking serial killer if I lived back then.

Bottom line is….. GIVE CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS HIS DUE PROPS! And the best and ONLY way to do that is to let me GO HOME AT 3pm.

AMEN.

P.S. I also don't appreciate my "friend" Beantown/Dopeboymagic, who has the day off sending me pictures of his empty beer bottles as he finishes them. KARMA IS A BITCH son.. How is Tom Brady's knee.... I hope Kevin Garnett breaks his neck on the backboard. FACKER.